According to a paper by Zenger & Folkman from 2019, the “great majority of leaders were twice as likely to give positive feedback than they were to give corrective or negative feedback” - and I doubt this has gotten better during working from home COVID-Times. So let's focus on the uncomfortable, it's worth it!

Even though “feedback culture” is a well known, evergreen topic in workplaces, too often we sugarcoat, we give vague praise instead of useful input, we stay silent when we should speak up - avoiding discomfort, hurting feelings or to not shoot ourselves in the foot, eg when feedbacking our leads.

So despite the common buzzwords like radical candor, psychological safety, growth mindset (that we probably have all heard in the recent years) we’re still dodging the hard conversations. We’re still being too polite when honesty would be more useful. And that’s why this conversation remains not just relevant, but essential.

Because feedback isn’t just a formality, it helps us see what we can’t see on our own.

The feedback that stuck with me

A while ago, I facilitated a project team meeting that I thought had gone well. The agenda was tight, the project plan was polished, the timing was spot on. But afterwards, someone came up to me and said: “Can I give you some feedback?” (That question never gets easier to hear, does it?) She continued: “You rely a lot on structure and while that keeps things organized, you also shut down some really valuable organic discussion that I think would have been a better use of our time today.”

I didn’t love hearing that. I like structure and felt the urge to defend myself (“We had a tight schedule!” etc. pp.) However, I resisted to explain myself immediately (easier said than done and something I still am practicing). After sitting with the feedback, I realized there is truth in this statement. In trying to stay efficient, I’d unintentionally limited the space for potentially meaningful exchange and spontaneity.

Interestingly though, another participant actually praised my clear guidance, and appreciated the fact that I kept the group on track - proving that you cannot please everyone, I guess. However, the “criticism” moment stuck a little more with me, not because it felt good, but because it helped me grow a little.

We don’t grow without criticism

So here’s some more truth: if we only ever hear “you’re doing great,” we’re not growing. It might feel good, sure, but it teaches us nothing.

Of course it felt way better, when I got the feedback that the structure helped, who does not prefer being liked rather than being challenged? But I have gotten this positive feedback countless times before, potentially pushing me even further into "structure mode” over time, so I think that kind of niceness and focus on the positives can even become a cage.

Ever since I was criticised for being too agenda driven, I pay more attention to “reading the room”, and when in doubt that I am again too deep in my comfort zone of structure, I simply ask the question to the round if this discussion is worth our time now, or if we should rather take the topic outside and focus on back on the current agenda point. So simple, yet effective. If I would not have gotten constructive, yet painful, feedback, I am sure I would have missed this opportunity to get a little better. And I dearly believe that, even if it's little things, that I can improve, it will result in getting way better over time.

Why vague feedback is a waste of my time

We’ve probably all received feedback like: “You’re doing great”, or “I think you are too nice / too direct” (the latter I have heard from lots of women, but that's probably a topic of its own for another article).

So what are you supposed to do with that? There’s nothing to act on, no insight to absorb, no improvement to discover. In the early days of my career, I did not dare to ask back what exactly was good or bad and why. Instead of asking “important people” and “wasting their precious time” or being called out in a huge office space, I rather tried reading minds at home in bed, overthinking details of the meeting, document or situation, even mind mapping, trying to understand where the statement might be coming from. Believe me, I trained a lot these nights, but unfortunately never became a telepath. So instead, I decided to either bring up some courage to ask for details, or put this sort of feedback into my inner dustbin (criticism as well as praise). When feedback is too general, it just drains my energy and distracts me from the really important things that I can actually solve myself.

What makes feedback helpful?

The most helpful feedback I’ve received follows a simple structure. Whether you’re giving or receiving, these three elements can make the difference between growth and confusion:

1. Observation: Describe exactly what happened. No assumptions, no exaggerations. “You followed the agenda tightly and kept the meeting on schedule.” “Over the past two weeks, I’ve sent three messages asking for input on the design draft and didn’t get a response until deadlines were close.”

2. Impact: Explain how it affected the team, outcome, or situation. “But that made it hard for others to jump in or challenge the ideas.” “That created delays and meant the rest of the team had to guess your position or work without your input.”

3. Suggestion: Offer a clear, actionable idea for next time. “Maybe allow a few open blocks for spontaneous discussion, even if it goes slightly off track.” “Even a quick reply like ‘Got it. Or will reply tomorrow’ would really help us keep things moving.”

Criticism is a gift (yes, really)

It sounds strange, but I consider criticism to be a form of care. When someone takes the time to provide me with honest, thoughtful feedback, they’re investing in my growth. They’re choosing discomfort in the short term to support my long-term improvement. Innovation, growth, and real learning all come with risk, and not lastly with feedback that sometimes stings.

How to feel more confident to give honest feedback

Building the confidence to give honest feedback is a skill that takes practice. And apparently not a lot of people actually invest in this and dare to provide corrective feedback. So remember, honesty doesn’t have to mean harshness or simply hurting someone's feelings, when delivered with clarity and care, feedback becomes a powerful tool for growth, both for you and the person receiving it. Start small, focus on specific behaviors rather than personal traits, and keep your intent rooted in support and improvement. Over time, your confidence will grow, and so will the quality of your relationships and communication (not only at work). I personally like to be direct (not waiting until feedback rounds), if there is something I really find helpful or something that I am not happy with, I like to immediately approach the person with “Do you have a moment? I’d like to give you some feedback if that’s okay…”.

I hope that in the near future studies will show that we are just as likely to provide corrective feedback, as we are to give positive feedback.